"Here's to a good woman, may we know them, may we be them, may we raise them" - dedicated to mothers and daughters everywhere.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I still feel like a STEAM LOCOMOTIVE!!!

I still have to include vigorous physical exercise in my daily life or I feel...unwell and uptight.

I still say inappropriate 'that's the first thing I thought of' things; I'm lacking some verbal filter that was supposed to be installed or downloaded - but I missed it altogether.

I can only stay in one place very long IF I am in control of when I leave.

Sometimes I still feel like a LOCOMOTIVE that is just building up and building up steam...

medicine seems to at least keep me going down one track in one direction.

But I still like to keep going and going...

Saturday, November 04, 2006

my marshmellow has caught fire! (on ADHD meds)

There are so many resources out there about attention deficit disorder!
Scattered, by Gabor Mate, is about "how attention deficit disorder originate and what you can do about it". Of course, one of the things I have chosen to do about my adhd is finally take medication; I have now been on adderall for 3 full months!

The chapter that caught my eye - and that I went straight to - is titled
'My marshmellow caught fire: Motivation and Autonomy'.
That is just what has happended in my life!!! I was just hanging around and struggling and then, with the help of meds, I am transformed...on fire! The image is just so funny and so perfect for what has happened to me, seriously.
The funny thing is that this particular chapter addresses how often parents of ADD children deal with attempting to keep their kids focused and motivated. Later in the book, the (sometimes) transforming effect that effective treatment and meds can have is explored...
"Only people who have NOT witnessed or personally experienced how helpful medications can be could maintain a categorical opposition to their use. The positive effects are often dramatic and immediate".
Certainly true for me!!! I now every day work consistently towards my personal and professional goals...what more can I add than that?!

Friday, October 27, 2006

My new ADHD treatment is a 'butterfly net'

The followines excerpts are from Delivered from Distraction, by Edward Hallowell, M.D. & John Ratey, M.D.
"Having ADD is like trying to build a house of cards in a windstorm."
"Having ADD is like being supercharged all the time."
"Having ADD is like driving in the rain with bad windshield wipers."


"In places where most people are blind, the person with ADD can, if not see the light, at least feel the light, and she can produce answers, apparently out of the dark. It is important for others to be sensitive to this "sixth sense" many ADD people have, and to nurture it."

Yes! Yes!!

Last but not least -

"My thoughts are like butterflies. They are beautiful, but they fly away." After treatment -"Now I can put a net around the butterflies."

Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

Both of the authors have ADD themselves. The book was published in 2005. There are numerous strategies to assist you in your ADD life. One of the best chapters in the book is 'the seven habits of highly effective ADD adults'. I would LOVE to be able to describe myself as "highly effective", wouldn't you?! I (almost) have 5 of the 7 habits down...but the other two will probably take awhile. Very good book. k

Saturday, October 14, 2006

Please don't interrupt me

My life is just SO much better, since deciding to deal as positively and assertively as I can with my ADHD. The tools of medication (adderall) , self-study and membership with advocacy groups have all helped improve my quality of life!

But there is still something that causes me to feel uncertain - an area in my own life that I need to cope with. I am talking about...TALKING. You know, conversational skills.

I am my own boss and am in a very intense process of setting up a business idea. Especially now that the medicine has allowed me to do things - really do them! The business currently has one employee - me! Yes, there are people in my life and I do talk to them on a regular basis. But I haven't really had to engage in 'social talk' very much, since this new and improved brain/me/outlook has emerged.

I remember very, very vividly how hard it is for me to not interrupt. Not because I think I am ALL THAT or that I am rude. In fact, I am just going to have to spend some time over the next few weeks figuring out WHY 'social talk' is (or hopefully was) so difficult. Is it my ADHD? Am I lacking in some area of self-esteem? Could I be boorish?! Yikes!!! Somebody interrupt me, please!!!


Sunday, October 01, 2006

world expansion with ADHD

I have experienced WORLD EXPANSION on a personal is awesome. Taking medication (adderall) for my ADHD has greatly impacted my world over the past two months...but my world itself is getting bigger and it is way cool.

I can now travel and it is not a huge deal; before meds, any travel taking over a few hours was...hell. I got fidgetty and anxious and squirmy and uncomfortable. So hard. Now, I can travel and it is (almost) no biggie. In face, I have an opportunity to travel internationally and I think I just might go! Honestly, the thought of being on a plane for 14 hours is mind-boggling. But I am seriously considering it. I am able to focus on all the great things this trip could bring and less on "how will I ever be able to sit still that long?!".

I have finished the initial big step of getting one of my biz ideas up and running. It really happened...not just me talking about it..the structure is in place and we are moving forward. All the actions to bring this to fruition took patience and determination and ability to take things one step at a time. Not just work a little bit here and then switch to something else...and then switch back - as I did before the ADHD medication. Momentum and focus were lost with that approach.

Most of all, I can make clearer personal decisions. Somehow, I can filter through all the stuff that clogged my thinking abilities and can see the best way to do things and what makes sense and what doesn't.

I am now ready to learn more about ADHD; I know how it has affected my own life and the negative impact it has had,when I just didn't want to admit this condition. Not dealing was a choice and not a good one. Most of all, I intend to begin to learn about other people and their coping stories.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

The Power of One - with adult ADD

I had ONE piece of pie yesterday.

I went to the book store and carried ONE book into the coffee shop to look at.

I am reading ONE book for fun.

That may not sound worth noting, but it really, REALLY is!

Before taking medication for my adult ADD, choices were just overwhelming. I truly couldn't decide about big and little issues. I would just order 2-4 of the desserts and pick at each. I would stagger through the book store with as many books as I could carry...they all looked fascinating. There were stacks of magazines and books and papers by my bed, all being reviewed simultaneously and in short bursts.

And - OK, I will admit it. I do miss that whole "wow, I want it all!" attitude. It was like walking through life as a little kid at a carnival. The problem is - I am not a little kid anymore and going through real life like that can make you sick by the end of the day. You have taken in too much info/too many rides/too much junk food. And the whole day/your whole life is ONE BIG BLUR.

So I am ready to celebrate the power of ONE! I will eat that one piece of pie and lick the plate. I will learn a bit about one particular subject. I will finish one book from front to back. But I can still enjoy a day at a is just not my everyday life.


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this is ADDA Awareness Week 06!

To deal with a life challenge by yourself is the lonliest prospect imaginable - you are weak & vulnerable;
To find others dealing with the same challenge - learn from their experiences - openly share solutions & ideas - admit you need assitance and to find it...STRENGTH!

Community is found at groups such as ADDA; take the time to explore their resources!!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Embracing BLACK

The "it" color for fall is black. At least accoding to the popular fasion mags. And I would have hated that...before. You know - before I received a new input filter, courtesy of adderall for adult ADD. I have always hated the color black. Never mind that it makes us look slimmer & altogether so altogether. I hated it in clothing - it didn't make me happy to wear it, it seemed so "join-the-crowd"ish, and makes people look very grown-up. How do you do cart-wheels in black attire?!

But I'm over hating black. It seems a bit of wasted energy to fight some things; fashion trends being one of them. There are ALOT of things I intend to do now...but being a fashion mogul is not one. Therefore, if black is what is in all the stores , I'll buy.I have more important things on and in my mind.

But the pre-med me became fairly distracted by details such as this. I would spend possibly a great deal of time looking for the pants I needed in a more appealing color shade. Of course, I wouldn't find them. So I'd then spend more time trying to find a tailor, then fabric, plus hours looking through patterns - oh, and finding one for curtains and forgetting I really need some pants! I felt like the mouse in If You Give a Mouse a Cookie book!

I honestly can't say why, but it does seem that my ability to DECIDE WHAT TO FOCUS ON - is vastly improved!!! And if you see someone doing cartwheels down the sidewalk, wearing a very grown-up black outfit and a grin - that's me!

Friday, September 08, 2006

The HEAT is on! (with me on Adderall)!!!

I can now do the things I say I "will do".

I can now do things (projects/meet goals/read directions!).

I am now me plus, PLUS since beginning Adderall for adult ADD...and the pressure is on!

Speaking of pressure, my actual blood pressure is up; usually it runs low (below the norm) but for some reason I sat at one of those free screening devices - a few weeks back - and was in the high "get-concerned" range. I am watching it and checking it (even every other day).

While it may well be a side-effect of taking this new med - and maybe my body is just "adjusting" - I think it could be that I am actually feeling a great deal of pressure (stress!)....but in a very weird, good way!!!

Because I really can do alot of the things I have ALWAYS wanted to...but could not.

So now I can just...go out and conquer that world/build that empire/slay the dragon...becaue the knight never did show up.

And I am in the process of doing just those things! And they are exciting & energizing & scary & tension-provoking & ...creating pressure.

Pressure which is leading to my high blood pressure?!? I WILL check with my MD if it doesn't get better. But I do think that seeing that I now can fly...instead of a bigger transition to make than I had expected.

Does anyone have a SuperWoman cape I can borrow?


Monday, September 04, 2006

Puttin' on a HappyFace & Lettin' go of stuff!

I am actually considering letting go of (some of)

the Stuff & Structure....the Tools & Mechanisms...
that assisted me in dealing with my adult ADD.

They have kept me on the straight and narrow (sort of).

They allowed me to "show up/try to keep up/look up AND not give up".

But they are old crutches. I want to see what it is like without them.

I'll start small by taking my mountain of time-management & organization books to the local library for donation. But (for now) I'm keeping one of my favorite tools - aSMILEY FACE watch with many alarms!


THIRTY DAYS on Adderall for adult ADD!!!

Thirty ways my life has changed in 30 Days (after starting meds for ADD for the 1st time):

1. Plans are made and actually executed.
2. Waking up is fun.
3. Many old environments look brand-new to me.
4. I can listen and not interrupt (most of the time).
5. My head (on the inside) is alot quieter.
6. I can do just one thing at a time.
7. Much less negative self-talk.
8. As much as I control days are going according to plan.
9. Unexpected "stuff" still occurs and it can be handled.
10. Everything about my world - as I know it - is less "foggy" getting lasik surgery on life.
11. My creativity - which I have always treasured - still seems intact.
12. Many phsical activities are even more enjoyable.
13. I may be an even bettter parent/friend/lover.
14. Have been able to eat the way I know I need to - for energy & avoid food allergy items.
15. Less impulsive.
16. Don't need to fidget as much.
17. Have done normal things - like sit still for a whole movie - that I always wanted to do.
18. Am able to follow instructions.
19. I have already learned more about several subject matters.
20. Can stay in one physical environment for longer periods of time, without losing it.
21. Am learning several new skills.
22. Don't play the "what-if" game as much.
23. Now understand that almost EVERYTHING takes way longer than I thought it should..and that is OK.
24. Much less hard on myself.
25. Much less hard on those around me.
26. Much more understanding & patient.
27. Am learning to dream dreams that really can come true.
28. Limitations do exist...& I don't spend energy fighting that.
29. My world seems a much more manageable place.
30. I am grateful every day to have experienced these changes!

I wonder what is next on my horizons?!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I'm thinkin' Vegas!

Day 28 on Adderall for adult ADD -

Working/Reading for pleasure/watching a movie/sitting & talking to friends/taking classes;
all activities that are important to Quality of Life...
and I have had difficulty with all of them.

But Adderall is allowing me to do these and participate and enjoy them!

Tonight I am going to learn to play cards -Before meds I never could even entertain the idea of sitting still and paying attention to rules and thinking about what card had been played ...oh, and talk and listen to what others are saying. There was usually going to be noise & movement closeby.- food and drink to manage..oh, forget it!

So I am going for the big is hot and I want to learn. At least I am playing with friends and they won't take advantage of the newbie and take all my nickels (will they?!).


Thursday, August 31, 2006

ADD meds no defense for Raging HormStorm!

Day 26 on Adderall for Adult ADD -

This is the first time I have ever tried medication (to improve the quality of my life!)...
and if you've read any of my previous posts, you can see that I am experiencing some BIG improvements in several areas!

But I woke up yesterday feeling like the ME before meds...I began to get kind of upset by mid-day. What was going on?! I made sure I had taken the dosage/went for a short run at lunchtime/drank herbal tea to calm down/had chocolate to perk me up/tried & tried to get that super day going that I had planned. But by day's end I was on the verge of tears.

I looked at all my posts to inspire, almost a MONTH's worth of great experiences.

Almost a month? And what comes around about every month?!? Yikes -

The Raging "HormStorm"!!! Now I get it...guess my attention deficit med does not protect against storms of this nature. But I'll be better prepared to handle next time.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Grab and Dash!

Day 24 on Adderall for adult ADD -

I have lived life as a "Grab-and-Dash"er; as in - quick!/do it quick!/ decide before you forget what you are trying to decide about!!! Now, on ADD med - things are different...

The whole "Dummies" book series is a super idea - they are written for busy, get to the point folks. I have alot of the books, actually. I bought one a few months ago - and flew through it. Now thatI seem to have a better ability to sit and concentrate, I have picked the new book back up, re-read it, taken notes, worked through some examples and even downloaded the included CD with bonus info. I have learned something about that subject AND

I have learned that "Pause and Ponder" works way better, even for dummies!


Sunday, August 27, 2006

Just like learning to ride a bike...

Day 22 on Adderall for adult ADD -

All the stuff I tried to force myself to get to work on 1 of my zillion business ideas - fengshui/lucky chair/favorite top/carb-fat-protein ratio calc/energy drinks/candle lit (in honor of me sitting, I guess)/classical music/meditation/uplifting poster to look at/energy body spray/bunny slippers/work right after running...endorphins just released/proper light fixture type & placement/work right after sex...same endorphin theory/look over financial goals and check statement - I need the $!...

For the last 2 days, I simply sat and just - worked. I picked out one of my easiest ideas and just took a few steps. There is now an actual concrete finished product to view.

Just like learning to ride a bike; it could be rough at first and I may start out slow/even hit some bumps/run into something unexpected. But I WILL see things I wouldn't have - if I hadn't tried.

Friday, August 25, 2006

HARD WORK and Adderall

Day 20 on medication for Adult Attention Deficit Disorder - and I am working hard!!!

Today - I did something I have not done since...well, not sure. I am working hard at a new endeavor and enjoying it so much!!! I mean - stick-to-it (even when things are not going as planned) kind of work. Allowing enough time, instead of waiting until the last minute. Not giving up after the first or second try.

I have seriously never had this kind of tenacity before. Oh, I am so grateful/thankful/down on my knees and counting my blessings/ kind of thankful.

Before I started my med - I would try (OH...I had such plans!!!). But if it didn't work out or go smoothly, I was out of there. I HAD to get up and leave and go do something else. Now, I want you to understand - this felt like a physical thing. Even if i tried to "psych" myself out and say..."come on, you can do this". I just couldn't. Nothing more and nothing less.

My daughter knows a girl that took adderall her first year in colllege; she is NOT attention deficit disorder but thought that adderall would help her CONCENTRATE as a freshman. WOW....did that backfire. She almost flunked out - she could not sleep and couldn't set priorities and just didn't feel herself. In contrast, I sleep great and can finally set priorities and feel like myself but equipped. I am mentioning this because there has been some publicity lately about people trying to obtain ADD medications on the MISTAKEN IDEA that it will help them. If you are not ADD or ADHD, then it just might not work for you?!?

Again, as I said in earlier posts, I am trying hard not to learn about any ADD medications.

I want to experience an authentic response to is for me...and all my people that love me. They believe I can do all the things I say I will. If a medicine is going to allow me to do that,
SO BE IT!!! I waited way to long to try it.

Again, the point is to continue to search for solutions that will work for you!!!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Life's bumps and Adderall

Day 18! (of taking adderall for adult add) -

Yesterday I experienced some minor bumps on life's road; you know, those irritating glitches that can sidetrack the best laid-plans. And if you have ADD, these just add to the difficulty of trying to keep going.

AS soon as I got out of bed, it was clear that I had some sort of bug. Staggering to the bathroom, the sound of rushing water greeted me. The bathtub faucet was flowing, and when I tried to turn it off, the flow became a torrent and would not stop. Then, a glance in the mirror revealed really, ugly stains on ALL my teeth...seriously, all in the space of five minutes and I had to laugh. What the hell?!

By day's end, I had seen a doctor/paid a ridiculous amount of $ to a plumber/had my teeth polished (stains a result of a mouth rinse they had given me a week earlier).
All the bumps smoothed out...

Did I manage to salvage some of the day's grand plans - with my new and improved abilities on the attention deficit medication?!

Not really - I managed a laugh or two...these are really minor and no big deal...and that is just how I would have responded pre-med. I did not attempt much, though I did try. Guess sick/bummy days are just that.

Though I was kind of hoping for superhero powers...K

Sunday, August 20, 2006

tuned into ONE & only one station

Day 15 of trying adderall to treat adult ADD symptoms that "interfered" with my ability to live my life.

Talk about INTERFERENCE!!! All my life (though I didn't really realize it) I have had an awful lot of chatter inside my head. It was like listening to many radio stations at once...none would come in clear and all competed for attention.

Now there is pretty much just one channel coming through! I have tears in my do not realize, unless you have experienced this for yourself - how wonderful that is. I can really listen, really read, look, discuss, experience, feel. think about...just one thing. Nothing more and nothing less.

My self-talk is also kind of upbeat lately; I especially notice it in the shower.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Same store - New head

This is Day 13 of taking adderall for adult ADD! I have been to the grocery store for quick in&outs but have not been really shopping since beginning this medication.
I really do not like to shop - which puts me at odds with all of my friends. But I had to go to the local Target to pick up several items, even if it was going to be full of back-to-school shoppers.

My first reaction, upon entering, was "WHOA...what did they do to Target?!" I stood still and looked around in curiousity. But then I realized that the store was just the same as usual, but my head was not.

I usually have to shop quickly, with my head down if possible, to filter out all the noise and distractions and movement. It is generally a big blur. I often leave stores in frustration, quickly giving up if I couldn't spot what I needed right away.

But this medicine is allowing me calm, focus on my list and simply take my time.

I think there may be some major shopping expeditions in my future - watch out budget!!!


Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Never say "sit down & be patient" to an adult w/ADD

"Sit down and be patient" has to be one of the most dreaded phrases I have ever heard. Maybe if a drink and entertainment is provided, I'll manage it. But think of how many situations require the ability to do just that - from organized school on up. And I suck at it. At least until now.

It is Day 10 on my new medicine for attention deficit disorder. I honestly believe in that short of a time period I have experienced an increased ability to be patient. It has been evidenced in my interactions with others, including my kids - hallelujah! It shows up in my work. And I am learning to be patient with ME. You know, the whole "give yourself some credit/slack"... all those ways that people care for themselves. I excel at beating myself up (mentally, of course); but now I am taking tentative, baby steps at positive self-talk/self-care and it feels so very good!!!

"Patience & perseverence have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and
obstacles vanish."
John Quincy Adams

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Baby, I'm a Brand New (Adult ADD) ME!

I'm in a new relationship...with me! I mean, who IS this person?! I see myself able to take action immediately. I use my time wisely, without way over-scheduling. I seem much better at thinking clearly about some of the life issues I am facing and judging about the outcomes and consequences of different choices.

It does seem that I should take my time and not really rush any major decisions yet. After all, it is only Day 7 on my new adult ADD med. But it is so very cool that even the little daily decisions that used to tie me in knots are now really "no big thing".

Both daughters have noticed the change! I told them both how hopeful I was, starting on getting some medication. One especially loves the new me and says I am just so "chill". I know what she means.

Actually, right now I feel invincible. I can handle anything. Just call me one happy camper for taking (what felt like) a last-ditch effort to save myself. I didn't want to take attention deficit meds. I tried for years and years to become someone that did what they said they were going to do. But I just was not able to carry through for long. I have been a great Mom and a great wife. Everything else...all my own personal goals and dreams and plans just have never, ever taken flight. Plenty of first flights and a long list of "almost!".

But I now believe that - newly equiped with the med that is allowing me to JUST THINK CLEARER - I can truly live the life I want.

There is so much to learn and try and do - wish me bon voyage, wonderful reader. And stay with me, as I go forth. There are victories and challenges ahead.

If you or someone you know has attention deficit disorder...share your experiences!

We can travel and conquer together!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Adult with ADD is amazed

I feel amazing! I FEEL AMAZING! I really do!!!

Early morning and don't have much time but have to relish this new...what do I call this?
New state of mind!

I wake up today - day four of new medicine - and I have not experienced this since childhood. We're talking EARLY childhood. That feeling of wanting to wake up and start your day. That knowing inside you that good things are out there, waiting for you to get up and make them happen. Wow.

Is this some sort of new med high/not in denial about adult ADD rush that will subside? Probably. It really will be amazing if I get to keep experiencing this.

And the thing I said earlier, I have known I have had attention deficit disorder for a very long time. I put into place and used every day all the tools/relaxation methods/clean diet/faith in God/constant affirmations that I could. And I still struggled and felt overwhelmed and defeated almost immediately EVERY DAY.

And to go from that to this is ...honestly astounding.

Another funny and small thing - I notice that I have not been chewing gum constantly, putting on hand lotion constantly/putting on lip gloss constantly ...and just not fidgeting - like I have always done - weird and wonderful.


Sunday, August 06, 2006

My FIRST non-ADD experience

My first day of a full dose of my adult ADD medication. For how excited I was, I actually didn't think about it much as the day progressed. It has been a great day; full of relaxation, swimming - I went down a HUGE water slide today for the first time ever - screaming the whole way down. And then dinner out...with decadent dessert.

But I had such a strange experience just now - while on the phone with someone - and I wondering...was this my first non-ADD experience?!?

The phone conversation was about the coming week and various plans to be made - the person I was talking to was telling a story about their visit to a very nice hotel over the week-end and how they could really live in a place like that. I interrupted them (not unusual) to begin to veer off "on a tangent"(not at all unusual) and indulge myself with an off-the-wall discourse on the future and housing and urban planning and real estate trends and...

BUT HERE IS THE GOOD PART - I realized what I was doing...I decided immediately that my musings didn't really have much to do with anything...that I might need to just listen and not race AHEAD...AND HERE IS THE REALLY GOOD PART -

I didn't really care to go and do some random blue sky thinking.

This is a really big deal. Trust me. If you or someone you know has attention deficit disorder, you understand.


Friday, August 04, 2006

out of the closet - with adult ADD

I have known for most of my adult life that I do indeed have adult ADD; believe me, you just know these things. I didn't need anyone to tell me. Before there was alot of publicity about it - some years ago! - I knew I was different. But I tried to hide it and act normal.

I have actually spent most of my life trying to sit still...really.
While I excel at many things; such as strength training (my new, one-year-old passion!!!) ...sorry, I just got up for a moment to pace and try to come up with other things I excel at....

Well, it will be easier to tell all the things I suck at; like sitting through an entire movie, or staying in any seat for long (air flights are very interesting and require alchohol or meditation).
Do you know how many adult activities and real life requirements are based on being still and FOCUSED?!?

I went and was formally diagnosed about 6 years ago; I took their written analysis and promptly filed it away. I was already using all of the tools (planners with me always!/sticky notes in every conceivable place/a job that allowed me to be the boss and make my own decisions). I was doing "ok" - just alot of generalized anxiety.
I pleaded with my family doctor and recieved some anti-anxiety meds. Wow! It really worked. For awhile. I found out what it was like to be able to stay put in one place, more or less. Whole lectures were enjoyed! I could stay at parties...if I arrived late.

It isn't like I'm a total loser. I did manage to obtain an MBA, though it took a very long time, because I wouldn't stay put in most classes. The longest I have ever worked at one type of career is three years...unless you count - and I do! - stay at home MOM.

But time is speeding by. And it has thrown some curve balls my way lately. I can't cope...and I can't think. Maybe medicine will help. It does feel like I have to try it. Most of all I feel so sad if this - reality as I experience it - will be my whole life

Today I took my first adult ADD med - adderal.

I went for a walk a few hours later. I was about half-way through when I realized - this was just a walk. Mildly enjoyable, sun felt good (it is 103 out), heard some kids playing...but wait, what the hell was going on?! Where are all the different ideas and clash of thoughts that normally swirl my mind? I am imaging it? Was the medicine already at work?!?

Now, there are alot of "I" statements in this post. It will be so very excellent to get out of my head a bit more - not think so much - and just live. No! I want more than that!!!!

My new life motto -

"Here is what I know to be true; when you step out and take a chance, the view from the other side is spectacular!"